


it's always darkest before the dawn

by wolfie_winchester



Series: STOP HURTING CAS 2KFOREVER [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 10 Finale, Castiel Needs a Hug, Castiel-centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Stop Hurting Cas 2k16
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 18:33:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8024572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfie_winchester/pseuds/wolfie_winchester
Summary: Castiel gives up his grace to get rid of the Mark of Cain, but being human comes with a few downsides - nightmares being one of them.





	it's always darkest before the dawn

**Author's Note:**

> I will be forever salty that they didn't address what happened at the end of season 10. CASTIEL DESERVES BETTER.

Cas yawns for what must be the hundredth time that night. The text in front of him is starting to blur together, and he blinks a few times until he can read it again. He doesn’t know what time it is, but it’s definitely late. Sam and Dean had gone to bed an hour ago. Cas’ eyelids are drooping and he shakes himself awake again. He reaches for his coffee, no longer piping hot like he enjoys it, and takes a drink. His body is running on empty, but he won’t let himself fall asleep. Not when his nightmares are waiting just around the corner. 

 

Dean’s told him before, many times, that having nightmares is normal for humans - even more so for hunters. Cas knows this, but that doesn’t mean he likes it. He already hates sleeping in general. The vulnerability that it brings is something that’s always unsettled him. While he knows nothing can get past the bunker’s warding, he still feels as though he’s leaving himself open to attack. When he has nightmares, it just makes everything worse. He wakes up in a cold sweat, hands shaking and heart threatening to pound its way right out of his chest. He despises feeling so weak and so scared. 

 

Sam tells him it’s not healthy, to keep himself awake like this every night. Cas doesn’t care, as long as he can avoid sleeping for as long as possible. When it becomes unavoidable, he’s asked Dean if there’s something he can take to help him sleep. Lots of humans take sleeping medication, he knows. But Dean just gets this haunted look in his eyes and tells him, vehemently, no. Cas wants to know what that’s about, but he suspects that Dean probably won’t tell him. 

 

The only thing he can do now is stay awake until the next morning. He just wishes that his head didn’t hurt so much. It’s the lack of sleep, he’s sure of it, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. He sighs and lays his head down on the table for a second. 

 

“Cas? You okay?” 

 

It takes him a second to recognize Dean’s voice and he rubs his eyes before picking his head up. 

 

“Yes. I just have a headache,” he says. 

 

“Maybe you should get some sleep,” Dean suggests. 

 

“No, I’m fine. What about you? Weren’t you sleeping?” 

 

“I needed a glass of water. And I thought I’d check up on you.” 

 

“Oh. Well, I’m alright. Don’t worry about me.” 

 

He reaches for his book again, trying to find his place. It takes him a second to realize that none of the words make any sense. He rubs his eyes, thinking that might fix the problem but the book remains unreadable. He turns to ask Dean about it, but the hunter is suddenly gone. Cas frowns in confusion. 

 

“Dean?” he says, getting out of his seat. 

 

“You shouldn’t have come back here, Cas.” 

 

Cas turns around, surprised to see Dean standing behind him now. The hunter’s eyes are cold and his shirt is covered in blood. The scene feels achingly familiar, but for some reason, Cas doesn’t know why. 

 

“You should’ve left me when you had the chance,” Dean continues. 

 

“No. I wouldn’t do that, Dean. I’m not going to leave you. Not when I can still save you,” Cas says. 

 

“You can’t save me. This?” Dean holds his arm out, the Mark of Cain red and angry against his skin. “This isn’t something you can fix. So stop trying.” 

 

“But... but we got rid of it,” Cas says, confusion coloring his tone. “My grace should’ve cancelled out its power.” 

 

“Well, it didn’t. Because your grace wasn’t enough.  _ You _ weren’t enough. I knew it wasn’t going to work. You’re too weak, Cas.” 

 

“This isn’t real,” Cas says. He feels foolish for not realizing it sooner. “I’m dreaming.” 

 

“Don’t you wish? Besides, dream or not, I’m right. You’re weak. Useless. Without your grace you’re nothing to me,” Dean sneers. 

 

Even though he knows it’s not real, Cas’ heart still twinges painfully in his chest. Dean somehow seems to know this, because he laughs cruelly at him. It sounds wrong to Cas’ ears. 

 

“Did I hurt your feelings?” he teases. “Would you like it better if I lied and told you how much I need you?” He smiles as if remembering a funny joke. “You’re pathetic, you know that? Did you really believe me when I told you that?” 

 

“This isn’t real,” Cas repeats, voice wavering. “Dean wouldn’t say these things to me.” 

 

“Maybe not to your face. But what about Sam? You think I don’t confide in my brother about how much I hate you? You’ve done nothing but cause trouble ever since we met. I don’t know why I didn’t get rid of you sooner. But don’t worry, I’ll correct that soon enough.” 

 

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Cas says, even as Dean grabs the lapels of his coat. Even when Dean punches him hard enough that Cas feels blood pooling in his mouth. 

 

“Of course you won’t,” Dean says. He throws Cas across the room, sending him crashing into the table. “Because you’re a weak, pathetic excuse for an angel.” 

 

Cas tries to push himself up off the table, when Dean grabs him by his hair and pulls hard. He cries out, reaching for Dean’s hand to try and pry it away. Dean doesn’t give him a chance. Cas sees stars when Dean slams his head down onto the table, and he groans, only getting a second to breathe before he does it again. 

 

Dean shoves him to the ground after that, and before Cas can even think about trying to get up, the hunter is on top of him. His fists are like stone as they rain down on his face, until Cas can barely even open his eyes. His face is warm with blood and the taste of it in his mouth makes him want to gag. 

 

“I should’ve done this years ago,” Dean says, reaching for the angel blade that’s fallen out of Cas’ sleeve. “It would’ve saved us so much trouble.” 

 

“Dean. Please,” Cas gasps, hand latching onto the hunter’s wrist. Dean wrenches his hand away and this time wraps it around Cas’ throat. His vision swims the harder Dean squeezes and he feels tears welling up in his eyes. He hears a distorted version of the hunter’s harsh laughter. 

 

“You’re crying?” Dean scoffs. “What’d I tell you? I guess you are just a baby in a trench coat.” 

 

Cas doesn’t have time to respond before he feels the blade piercing his chest. He lets out a scream, vision turning white as his grace explodes. He feels his wings burning again, leaving their mark on the bunker floor. His ears are ringing and he doesn’t know if it’s from his true voice leaking through or if that’s just what happens when you die. 

 

But suddenly, it’s silent except for Dean’s voice, no longer angry and filled with hatred, but with fear and worry. 

 

“Cas! Cas, wake up!” 

 

He gasps, inhaling too fast as he sits upright in his chair. He’s back in the library, coughing as he tries to remember how to breathe. Dean’s hand is on his shoulder, but he’s not hurting him. Instead of disgust in his eyes, all Cas sees is concern. 

 

“What - what happened?” he croaks. 

 

“You were dreaming,” Dean says softly. “I came out when I heard the screaming.” 

 

“Oh,” Cas says. That Dean heard him screaming and most likely crying while asleep makes his face heat in shame. “I’m sorry. I... I... I didn’t mean to wake you.” 

 

“Hey, don’t apologize. Happens to all of us,” Dean says. He reaches for Cas’ face and Cas can’t help flinching. The memory of pain is still fresh in his mind. 

 

“You shouldn’t have to worry about me,” Cas mutters, pulling out of Dean’s grasp. He wipes the tears he knows are still streaming down his cheeks and tries to compose himself. “I’m sorry I’m so weak.” 

 

“Cas, you’re not-”

 

“You don’t have to lie to me. I know that without my powers, I’m pretty much useless to you,” he says. He gets up, hoping that Dean doesn’t notice how wobbly his legs are or that his hands are still trembling. “I’m... I’m going to take a walk outside. I need some air.” 

 

“Do you want me to come with you?” Dean asks. 

 

Cas shakes his head. 

 

“I’ll be fine,” he says. 

 

Dean eyes him a little skeptically, but he nods. 

 

“Alright, well, I’ll be in here if you need anything,” he says. 

 

Cas gives him a wide berth as he passes, even though he knows now that Dean isn’t going to attack him. He can feel the hunter’s eyes on his back while he climbs the stairs to the door. He half wishes he could read minds still, just to know what Dean is thinking. The part of him that’s been growing at a steady rate these past few months is telling him that as soon as he leaves, Dean is going to tell Sam about what happened and laugh. That they’ll hide their smiles when Cas comes back in, but still whisper behind his back about how weak he is. 

 

He tries to dislodge these thoughts with a shake of his head, but they follow him like a thundercloud follows the cartoon characters he’s seen on TV before. He hadn’t understood the imagery when he first saw them so many years ago, but now he gets it more than ever. These past few years, it’s been as though he can never get out from under the cloud. 

 

Being outside with the fresh air and the sound of crickets helps a little bit. Things feel calm out here, and there are no eyes watching him aside from those of the animals. He finds a little clearing in the trees and sits down, back leaning against an old tree stump. He stares up at the sky, looking for stars but unable to see them for how cloudy it is. He sighs and closes his eyes, letting his head fall back against the stump as he listens to the noises around him. 

 

It’s peacefully quiet for a few minutes, until a sudden crack of thunder makes him jump. Lightning flashes across the sky, the clouds turning white. Cas feels the first few rain drops on his cheeks and he knows he should probably go back inside if he doesn’t want to get wet. But he can’t make himself move. Even when the sky opens above him and the few drops turn into a downpour. The rain is chilly and Cas shivers, but he still doesn’t move. His body starts to shake, in part from the cold, and because he’s too weak to keep holding in the emotions he’s locked up. 

 

He draws his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them as he drops his head onto them. Thunder is still booming overhead and the animals have all retreated out of the storm, meaning there’s nothing around to hear him break down. Sobs wrack his body and he shakes so hard he wonders if he might fly apart. 

 

When someone’s arm wraps around him, he tenses up, bracing himself for some form of pain. 

 

“You’re gonna catch a cold if you stay out here.” 

 

He looks up to see Dean holding an umbrella over him. The darkness makes it hard to see his face, except for when the lightning flashes overhead. Dean takes his hand and Cas doesn’t have it in him to resist when the hunter tugs him to his feet. Cas, despite his attempts otherwise, can’t stop the hiccuping sobs still pouring out of him. 

 

“Oh, come here,” Dean murmurs, pulling him into his arms. 

 

Cas clings to him tightly, face buried in his shirt as he cries. 

 

“That’s it, Cas. Just let it out,” he says, arm firm around him. 

 

Minutes pass where Cas’ sobs are lost to the sound of thunder crashing above them. Dean doesn’t say anything, which Cas is grateful for. He only stands there holding the umbrella above them, keeping them dry for the most part. Cas takes a few deep breaths, shuddering as the cold air fills his lungs. Eventually, he manages to compose himself enough to speak.

 

“D-Dean, y-you didn’t have to c-come out here,” Cas stutters. He’s soaking wet and shivering. The cold from the rain has managed to seep into his bones despite the short time he’s been out here. 

 

“Obviously I did,” Dean says. “You would’ve frozen to death otherwise.” 

 

“A-And would that b-be so bad? At least I wouldn’t be around t-to cause you tr-trouble anymore,” he says. 

 

“That’s not true. Cas, you’re family. I need you. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Dean says. 

 

“You’re j-just saying that,” Cas mutters. 

 

Dean sighs, perhaps realizing that it’s futile to argue. 

 

“Come on. We gotta get you dry and warmed up.” 

 

Cas knows there’s no point in protesting, so he follows Dean back to the bunker. It’s significantly warmer inside, though his clothes are still ice cold. Water drips from his hair and his clothes, leaving a trail behind him as they head to the bathroom. Dean grabs some towels and then orders him to take off his wet clothes. Cas starts to strip and Dean turns around to allow him some privacy. He takes one of the towels from Dean and dries himself off before wrapping it around his waist. 

 

“You done?” Dean asks. 

 

“Yes,” Cas replies. 

 

Dean turns around and Cas isn’t sure if he imagines the way the hunter’s eyes roam over his bare chest. 

 

“Alright. I’ve got something warm for you to wear,” Dean says, motioning with a hand. 

 

“You don’t have to do that, Dean. I have my own clothes,” Cas replies. 

 

“It’s fine, Cas. Besides, mine are probably way comfier,” he insists. 

 

“Why are you being so nice to me?” 

 

Dean gives him an odd look, like he’s confused why Cas would even ask him that. 

 

“You’re my friend,” he says, as though that completely explains everything. 

 

“But why?” Cas repeats. “After everything I’ve done - all the pain I caused - all the times I betrayed you or hurt you. Why? You - you should’ve killed me when you had the chance.” 

 

A stormy expression replaces Dean’s confusion and Cas automatically thinks that he’s said something wrong. But before he has a chance to apologize, Dean’s resting a gentle hand on Cas’ shoulder. His touch is light, barely there, like he’s afraid Cas might break if he presses down too hard. 

 

“That never should’ve happened.” 

 

“I’m sorry. I know I-” 

 

“Cas, it wasn’t your fault. What I did - that was all me. You were just trying to help and I was too angry to see it,” Dean says. He slides the hand on Cas’ shoulder up to his cheek, thumb brushing away a stray tear Cas didn’t even realize was falling. “I’m so sorry, Cas. You deserve better.” 

 

Cas shakes his head, pulling away from Dean’s touch. 

 

“No, I don’t.” 

 

“You do,” Dean says, tone leaving no room for argument. “You’ve done nothing but try to help us. Even when it goes sideways, you’ve always had the best intentions. You sacrificed everything for me, and Sam. You think none of that matters?” 

 

Cas doesn’t have an answer for that, and Dean takes the opportunity to step closer to him again. He reaches up and cradles Cas’ face in his hands, laying a kiss to his forehead ever so gently. Cas swallows hard, his throat closing up as tears well in his eyes. He closes them and feels the tears spill over. Dean’s thumbs brush them away and he rests their foreheads together. 

 

“I need you to hear me, Cas. I need you to believe it when I say that I need you.” 

 

“Even when I’m useless? My grace-” 

 

“I don’t care about that. Whether you’re human or angel? It doesn’t make a difference to me. You’re not useless, Cas. You’re smart, and strong, and you’re a great hunter. And even if you weren’t any of those things, I’d still... I’d still love you.” 

 

Cas’ eyes snap open and he stares wide eyed at him. He can’t detect a hint of deception in Dean’s eyes. There’s a bit of a blush dusting his cheeks, but other than that, Dean looks sincere. 

 

“You... you really mean that?” he asks, almost afraid to believe it. 

 

“Yes,” Dean whispers. “I really do.” 

 

Cas dares to smile and he lets out a weak laugh. 

 

“I’m afraid that this is just a dream,” he admits. “I... I’ve waited so long to hear you say that. And to tell you that I feel the same.” 

 

“This isn’t a dream, Cas. Trust me.” 

 

“Always, Dean.” 

 

Dean closes the scant space between them, the soft brush of their lips together sending tingles dancing down Cas’ spine. The hunter’s lips are soft, his touch achingly gentle as he wraps his arms around him. Dean’s fingers brush along his bare skin and Cas shivers, letting out a breathy sigh into Dean’s mouth. He’s suddenly hyper aware of the fact that he’s wearing nothing but a towel, while Dean is fully clothed. 

 

He pulls away, his chest flushed with the warmth he’s feeling. He smiles and brings a hand to his tingling lips. He can taste Dean when his tongue darts out to wet his lips, and the way Dean’s eyes track the movement doesn’t escape Cas’ notice. 

 

“I, uh,” he starts, unable to form words for a second. He gestures down at himself. “Clothes?” 

 

Dean laughs and nods, taking Cas’ hand and entwining their fingers as he leads them to his bedroom. Dean pulls out some clothes and Cas gets dressed before joining the hunter on the bed. Cas lies on his side, his back to Dean’s chest. Dean’s arm is crossed over Cas’ chest, hand resting above his heart. Cas smiles to himself and lifts Dean’s hand briefly enough to kiss his palm. 

 

“I love you, Dean,” he whispers. 

 

Lips brush the back of his neck as Dean says, “I love you too. And I’m gonna spend every day from now on proving it to you.” 

  
  



End file.
